Flying Jumbos

(Here is a topic that has been in the news lately)

While sitting at the gate,waiting to board the plane,

I see a number of passengers,with wide-body frames.

To get down the aisle on the plane,

they have to sidle, turned to the side,

because straight on, their ass is too wide.

So, to the Flying Gods, I make this urgent plea.

Don't put one of those supersized flyers in the seat next to me.

(Several months later, on boarding my flight I found the window

and middle seats occupied by two Buddha-like flyers. I was left

with one-half of the aisle seat. I thought that maybe I was being

punished for my unkind thoughts. Nevertheless, it could have

have been worse. I could have had the window seat.)

Coastal Carolina Chanticleer's Rule the Coop

Yes a Chanticleer is a rooster, but we ain't no stinking chickens.

If you try messing with our turf, we'll peck you like the dickens.

And those obnoxious S.C. Gamecocks, who are really girly-men,

they have no more cajones than a Cornish Game Hen.

We are determined to go to a bowl game someday.

The Rose Bowl would be our first choice, and the Outback would be OK

but we want no part of the Chick-Fil-A.

And no matter how formidable our opponent, we will never run and hide,

our victory is assured, because we have PETA on our side.

Best in Class

As is plain for all to see, -------- is a comely lass.

And there is one notable category, in which she cannot be surpassed.

When it comes to bending over a beer cooler, she is the best in class.

Just in case you don't know what I'm saying,

the message that I am conveying,

is that in addition to lots of class,

she sure has a mighty fine --- derriere.

So given her radiant smile, and her form-fitting jeans,

it's a beautiful sight either way,

whether she's arriving or departing the scene.

Potty Mouth

If you want to talk to someone who's been too long at sea,

then the man you should seek, is named Captain Skippy.

While he isn't vivacious, and is sometimes not even gracious,

you can be sure that he is, unfailingly salacious.

So if you are inclined to blush

Skippy will surely give you a rush.

But can he deliver on those things he talks about?

That's for me to know, and you to find out.

Yugo

A new book about the Yugo has been published. It's called "The Yugo, the rise and fall of the worst car in history" by Jason Vuic. The best line is "What is included in every Yugo's owner's manual? A bus schedule.

Bluefins or Blue Pills?

Shark fins are prized because they are said to enhance virility.

This may also be true of many other creatures,that live in the depths of the sea.

There are a host of marine species that are models of fecundity.

One set of parents with millions of offspring is not a rarity.

Perhaps all that fishermen need is a new marketing strategy.

Rather than fish mongers, we'll call them marine apothecaries,

so instead of selling seafood, they'll prescribe Viagra from the sea.

One hundred milligrams of oysters please!

Voice Mail

"This is the 911 operator. Listen carefully to the following menu. If your problem involves domestic violence, press 1. If this is a medical emergency, press 2. If your house is on fire,

press 3. etc. etc."

The D.O.T. (Don't Often Toil)

The D.O.T. is the place you want to be

if you are one of the three standing idly,

watching the one man with the shovel.

But it isn't quite the same, if you're the one in the hole,

digging like a mole, and your ass is all wet,

from the dripping sweat.

The sun is beating down, and your knuckles are turning brown.

Your boss is a clown who doesn't know what's up,

but sure as hell know's which way is down.

Tabby and Fido in China

If you have cats in China, you cannot have too many,

because before you know it, you may not have any.

And there is one rule that all dog owner's know,

when you're holding the leash, for God's sake don't ever let go!

In fact, there's no critter of any hue,

that might not end up in the stew.

Older,Yes. Wiser?

The Pennsylvania Dutch have many quaint sayings,

that are usually terse, and quite often tart.

Their assessment of aging is right on the money,

for we surely do "get too soon old,"

and way "too late smart."

speechless in Alaska

Sarah Palin says that the reason she quit as Governor of Alaska, is that the winter's are so cold she had to wear gloves, which left her speechless.