Monday, March 22, 2010

The Kamikaze Redfish

Fishing trips can sometimes be memorable not because of the number or size of fish landed, but because something totally unexpected happens. About 40 years ago I was fishing off the north end of Anclote Key. My gear consisted of a live shrimp suspended beneath a bobber, on medium spinning tackle. I always enjoyed fishing with a bobber because I liked the way it would twitch slightly, and then descend beneath the surface as a fish took the bait. When that happened on this trip I set the hook with gusto, and the mono, which was probably 5 years old, parted just above the bobber. Since the bobber started to cruise along slowly, it was clear that I had hooked the fish. I quickly tied on a 52M Mirrolure and made a cast trying to snag the line below the bobber. There was an immediate hookup and, recognizing the frailty of my tackle, I gingerly brought the fish to the boat. I then netted a 20 inch Redfish. When I examined it I found that my lure was clamped firmly in its mouth, right next to my shrimp! So I had caught the one that got away, before it actually got away.

Sunday, March 21, 2010

Verses for Ex's

(Do you ever want to give a shot to an ex, boss, spouse,lover, etc. You may be able to find just what you are looking for in this space, which will be a continuing feature. stay tuned.)

#1 When you used to be my boss,
I was never at a loss,
in determining exactly which part you were,
of the hoss.

#2 Dear------: When first we married,
you were a vision of loveliness,
so pretty and petite.
But now you have eaten
half the world,
and can't even see your feet(check it out).

#3 Roses are red, violets are blue,
sugar is sweet, and so were you.

But then one day you changed into another.
Oh my God, you became your mother!

From ----- to ------ what a switch,
from a sweet young thing,
to a conniving (b)witch.

You say quite emphatically that
you have no remorse or guilt,
and certainly no shame,
which is the reason for
your election to,
the Black Widow's Hall of Fame.

#4 In a time long ago,
and a place far away,
we became young lovers
and our passions seized the day.

The times were so sweet,
everything seemed to go our way,
even getting stuck in the mud while making out,
seemed a fair price to pay.

But time passed,
and eventually you lost your mind.


Saturday, March 20, 2010

The last Tiger Woods joke

For years Tiger was known as one of the best long iron players in the game. But several years ago he discarded all of those clubs, and now relies exclusively on the long Wood.

Thursday, March 18, 2010

Profiles in Color

#5 Baby Huey

Baby Huey the comic strip character,
was noted for his size.
Baby Huey the fisherman is renowned
for eating whole pies.

Most fisherman's reputations
are based on what they bring to shore.
Baby Huey was better known
for his trips to the grocery store.

He and his deckhand formed a grocery cart convoy,
which is how they did their shopping.
And when their rounds were completed,
a number of shelves needed restocking.

When they rolled up to the check-out
after their shopping foray,
if the tally was less than $500.
they had experienced a bad day.

After the provisions were stored,
it was time for one more sortie,
beer and cigarettes
were the final favors for the party.

Cigarettes were no problem
because they required no refrigerated space,
and money was saved by purchasing them
not by the carton, but by the case.

One case of beer per man per day,
was the ration that they took,
plus 4 cases in reserve,
for any days lost sitting on the hook.

When all the beer was stacked on board,
it was an awesome sight to see.
To keep the boat from listing
the cargo was distributed, equilaterally.

When they reached the fishing grounds
the first problem they had to face,
was that the fish-box was so full of groceries,
for fish there was no space.

So for the first few days of each excursion,
the fishing schedule was light,
and the serious eating started
with the first glimmer of daylight.

Baby Huey and his deckhand
were known for their gastronomical feats,
but they had to be pretty fair fishermen
just to pay for all of those eats.


Wednesday, March 17, 2010

Profiles in Color

4. Scoby Bill
Scoby Bill was a highliner
of considerable note,
but most noteworthy of all
was the name of his boat.

She was a sleek, fast-looking craft
that would never be mistaken for a trawler,
painted bright yellow from stem to stern,
she was named "THE MARIJUANA HAULER".

This was about 30 years ago, and Bill
must have been feeling pretty feisty.
If he was trying to get the Coast Guard's attention,
he succeeded precisely.

The expression "Drill Baby, Drill",
did not originate with the oil companies,
It started, instead, with the Coast Guard,
when they boarded Bill far at sea.

It wasn't long before "THE MARIJUANA HAULER"
started looking like Swiss cheese.
They drilled out so much wood
that she gained 2 knots of speed.

Eventually Bill got tired of
being boarded day after day,
but instead of changing the name,
he painted her battleship gray.

Many years later Captain Bill
was running the Scoby 2,
the Marine Patrol had boarded and said,
the fishbox needed going through.

The officer asked Bill if he had a shovel?
Bill said "right here", and promptly heaved it far out to sea.
The officer said "you can't do that".
Bill replied "why not? The damn thing belongs to me".

Bill thought he had won that round,
but the Law denied him victory.
They wrote him a citation
for discharging plastic into the sea.

Bill had to delay his next trip
while he searched everywhere that he could,
but he finally found just what he was looking for,
a shovel carved out of wood.
,

Now Hear This

Excerpts from my poem "Pretty Work" were published in the Poetry Corner column of the Crisfield Times on Feb 24, 2010. The entire poem is available on my website.(http://thecompletepoet.yolasitee.com) It is no. 4.

Thursday, March 11, 2010

Profiles in Color

3. Captain Doom

Stefan is a man
so mired in gloom,
that it was inevitable
he'd be called "Captain Doom".

When the fishcrats started regulating
about 30 years ago,
Captain Doom started acting
like he was in the know.

It was as if he had seen
the whole movie before,
and he was just giving us clues,
about what was in store.

Conjure up a worst case scenario
regarding any fishery,
and according to Captain Doom,
that is the way it was going to be.

IFQ's, closures, and marine sanctuaries
are the fishcrats stock in trade,
and despite the fishermen's input
only their hand is played.

Regardless of our experience
catching fish from the sea,
the NMFS computer models
are the Fishcrats reality.

In the final analysis
we should give Captain Doom his due,
for most of his dire predications
turned out to be true.

So if we were to change his name today,
what would it be?
Instead of Doom,
it would be Captain Grim Reality.

Tuesday, March 9, 2010

Profiles in Color

#2 Dirty Dick

I was sitting at a bar
in a seaside town,
when in walks Dirty Dick,
and he's looking around.

He was a man of 70+ years
at the time,
and it became clear that his libido
was still working fine.

Dick spots two thirty-something ladies
at a table nearby.
So he walks right over,
but doesn't even say "hi."

Instead he says "ladies
I'm ready for a role in the hay,
and you both look good to me,
so I could go either way."

I could do one or two,
if you both want to play,
but menage a trois,
would really make my day.

So in propositioning females
we have to credit Dirty Dick,
with giving new meaning to the phrase,
"cut to the quick"

While he may not be handsome,
and is not exactly slick,
when it comes to chutzpah,
there's only one Dirty Dick.

Monday, March 8, 2010

Profiles in Color

(Commercial fishing has more than it's share of colorful characters,
and they typically sport equally colorful nicknames.)

#1.Offshore Bobby. Mr 11/64.

"Offshore Bobby" is well-known
for talking on the radio,
and one thing he doesn't lack
is braggadocio.

He's not shy about tooting
his own horn,
and anyone who sounds like a newbie
will get a full measure of scorn.

Sometimes Bobby talks too much
and goes too far.
Then he is challenged to meet someone
in a shore-side bar.

You don't need a Mensa-like
IQ score
to realize that Godzilla could be
coming through the bar-room door.

It is not a wise choice
to show up for these affairs.
and Bobby has had to undergo
several bodily repairs.

So has Bobby learned to tone down
his rhetoric on the radio?
Guess what?
The answer is no.

Bobby has a government card saying
that he is part Native American
by the fraction of 11/64.
When you cipher that out
it comes to 17 percent,
leaving 83 percent unaccounted for.

Had the Native Americans
been tallying the score,
they would have counted him a Gringo by 53/64.
For his game plan is as bad
as Custer's,
and we know who lost that war.

Tuesday, March 2, 2010

Adios Amigos

The decks are loaded,
and we're heading for the barn.
Then we hear that awful noise,
the frigging high water alarm.

We can't find the damn leak,
and are sinking fast
so we put out a Mayday,
hoping someone will save our ass.

We had been desperate to make a trip,
but our life raft was in for repair.
So we decided to go without it,
thinking that only the Coasties would care.

Suddenly we see a vessel coming at us
at a high rate of speed.
He obviously sees us,
so he's coming to do a good deed.

He's really hauling ass,
but goes right on by.
We scream at him on the VHF,
and here is his reply;

"I was scanning the radio,
and picked up your Mayday.
So I altered course,
and headed this way.
But we're hauling 500 kilos of coke
and have no time to play."

"You don't need to sweat it though,
because the Coast Guard is only 5 minutes behind,
and you can be sure that
they'll be coming right down this line."

"So while they're rescuing your sorry asses,
we'll make a clean getaway.
Adios amigos,
you have made our day."

This poem was awarded first prize in the on-site poetry contest
at the Fisher Poets Gathering in Astoria OR, Feb 26-28, 2010.